I Believe in the Power of Change

There is a power contained within each and every one of us -- the power to one day wake up and realize that who we are kinda sucks. We have the power to take this realization and do one of two things with it -- sit on our asses or get up and do something. I believe in the power of change. Who says that the major, the school, the dream you've chosen is the one you must stick with? Believe in the power to change your mind and find something that suites you better. Who says that the girl or guy you were in high school, or even in college, must be the same person with the same likes and interests for the rest of your life? Believe in the power to change who you are, even in the subtlist of ways. Who says that your family, your economic status, your health, your education can determine who you will be when you "grow up"? Growing up is a process, a dance. We are all dancers on the stage, twirling and stretching, fast and slow, together producing something that not a single one of us could have dreamed on our own. I believe in the power of change, the rhythm of life.

Our God is a god of change. He never wanted us to just go along with the flow. Noah lived seperate from his neighbors as a man who knew God, and was saved because of it. Moses took his rod and his poor speaking abilities to stand before Pharoh. Jesus tore down the social structure of his day, providing a totally counter-cultural lifestyle. WE ARE CALLED TO CHAGE, GROW, EXPERIENCE!! We are not to be in the mainstream. We are not to stay the same as we were before. God is a god of change. He changes hearts, minds, circumstances... all for HIS glory and honor, so that HIS name may be praised. I may not understand all of the theology, but I know this beyond a doubt: if God calls you to change, he is right there with you providing the means. Change is good. Believe.

Urbana06!!!

I am super duper pumped about a conference opportunity that's coming up and I wanted to share it with the world. Urbana06, held in STL during Christmas Break, with ROCK YOUR WORLD like it's rocking mine. This is the largest missions conference I've ever heard of -- someone told me around 25,000 college-age people will be there praising Jesus and trying to find their place in world missions.

I started feeling the tug to missions last January. I forget the exact situation but I remember thinking "gee, I dont want to sit here on my butt my entire life, watching news stories about tragedy but never lending a hand." Since then the call has definately gotten stronger and more coheisive: I want to go to southern Africa and work with AIDS orphans. I still don't know how exactly, or when, or for how long... but God is so unifying my vision and giving me a dream.

You Have a Calling. That's the title of Urbana06 and so very very true. I do, you do, and we as the body of Christ have a unified calling. So, lol, I promise this will be the only commercial on my blog, ever, but seriously weigh the fact that God might be calling you too!

God? Now What?

Sometimes the strangest things happen, and we wonder why. What on earth is God doing, what is he changing? What happens next? I am full of wonder and amazement at some of the tricks God pulls. Like putting people back into your life who you thought (hoped?) you would never see again. And then these people, these old enemies, reach out to you because they trust you for some odd reason or another. Maybe it's God shining through your eyes, or maybe they remember the past and are trying to make up for it.

All I know is I will pour love out of every word, every action humanly possible, and maybe they, too, will find Christ.

Testimony

One of the scariest things God has ever demanded of me was to face my past. Like everyone I am a sinner; unlike some people my past is not only full of sin but of shame. I have so many secret hurts and burdens that I bear alone because I am afraid of public reaction. Unfortuantely -- this is a substantial part of my testimony! This is what God saved me from! This is my connection to others still trapped!

Jesus didn't call us out of sin so we could walk around in a Christian bubble pretending we've been here all along. This drives me nuts! And it's so common... I wasn't saved once I got my life lined out and my ministry chosen and my prayer life stable. I was pulled out of a swirling river (literally, actually) while I was still trapped in a bad relationship that I had no motivation to end with a heart full of bitterness and a mouth full of curses. It's imperative that non-Christians see this side of who I am -- of who every Christian is (you know you have your black side...). That's being authentic.

Pray for me, that I can be more honest with my testimony. I'll be praying for you, too. Our story is all we have -- throwing a bible at someone rarely does any good on its own. Be brave!

Long time, no see

Sometimes God doesn't jump right out and yell "Here I am!" I guess i'm going through that right now... I see places I think God should be, or that I'd like God to be, but he isn't there. But instead of continually looking in one place, searching as in-depth as possible, I tend to run away to the next best option, then the one after that, then the one after that, until I'm all but playing in the mud. Consistancy is difficult for me; self control a dream for the future.

There are so many things that came out on retreat last weekend during our Retreat of Silence. Like that I'm still trapped by choice, not by necessity. And that my past should simply be a part of my witness, not a burden that is dragging me down. And... that honesty and assertiveness are critical skills I need to be working on. Too often I'm willing to sugar-coat or wishful-think or just go along with the flow of emotions; God's showing me that I can't do that anymore. Unfortunately I think I hurt someone pretty badly this week by standing up for myself, but it will be the best for both of us. I can't sit back and hope someone else will stand up for me.

Some days I look in the mirror and can only see the beautiful changes God has made in my life -- the dirt He's washed away from me. Other days all I see is the dirt that remains. Overall, it's clear that my heart is changing.

Seasons

I've been watching the first tree on campus turn from bold green to its annual yellow. The change of seasons has begun its dance once again.

Time is a collection of seasons that flow one to another... a never ending cycle of growth and death, of excitement and calm. Some seasons overlap, others must wait their turn. Some are happy, some leave you wishing the time would flow past faster. Seasons are the definition of life; seasons and cycles. Rhythm is everything.

I can see the seasons changing outside in nature, and I can feel them shifting in my own soul. Last year I spent a long season in growth, fostered in the amazing fellowship of Carpenters for Christ. Those girls challenged me, convicted me, motivated me. Then I moved into a season of striving -- trying to earn the love of Christ and his church through service (how much work for impossible gain!). Now the season is changing again; I'm growing into maturity, incorporating all the things I've learned into something that is maintainable. I'm in a season of calm, at least for the time being. Life has settled into a rhythm.

There's other life cycles going on, too. I've entered another season of singleness... another season of sitting on the sidelines while my friends get engaged, married, pregnant. I've entered a season of friendship with amazing girl friends I wouldn't trade for the world. I'm learning as I interact with people I've never had the chance to meet before. New Christian circles are developing and opening around me. Moods go from up to down to back up again. Everything's cyclic.

C.S.Lewis had a name for these cycles in Screwtape Letters. He called it "the theory of undulation." What goes up must come back down, and what goes down must come back up again. Sometimes God is very near while other times he is distanced. Sometimes everything goes your way and others you must struggle for every chance at joy. Have faith -- for God has done this according to his plan.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a tim to plan and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

If anyone reads this, please leave me a comment. Honestly, this blog wasn't designed for my own benefit but to connect with other people. If I'm the only one reading it I'll just keep it in my journal.